Are loyal readers no that we at LTTFL NOLA try to stick to music and entertainment advice. However, they also know that in order to be a true local in this city, you have to have unreasonably strong takes on local politics and government policies (fence sitters can go wipe their asses with OPP barb wire).
As such, we were forced to propose this plan to Mayor Landrieu on what to do with the former confederate monument sites, but we think he’d be wise to listen to this foolproof idea.
Confederate statues in New Orleans have been a hot button issue ever sense people realized they make no sense. Finally, Mayor Landreu decided to take action and initiate a program to remove four of these statues in are beloved parish. Arguments for doing so included: “memorializing the confederacy is offensive,” “people can learn much more about the civil war in school or in museums,” and “maybe we should memorialize figures that actually made an impact on New Orleans history.” Arguments against included “Mitch is taking too much money out of my north shore welfare check to pay for this!” “stupid college kids!” and “I didn’t actually know who that guy was, whoops!”
Anyway, the dust has now settled and the pedestals are empty. We agreed with the decision to remove the statues (mostly because Jeff Davis and Gen. Lee weren’t even locals), but even we must admit they are a bit of an eyesore, so hear is are call to action: Mayor Landriu, replace the confederate monuments with statues of former apprentice winners. Here is why:
- You’d be replacing men that were historically considered great leaders by experts in there field but later deemed racists by millenials with the disciples of another.
- There will still be vague ties to conservativism to appease the older generation, and the young liberal transplants still won’t know who the statues are of.
- Kendra todd was kinda hot
- Attention Baton Rouge: TWO guys won celebrity apprentice wearing cowboy hats (Trace Adkins and John Rich) and they BOTH sing country music. If that’s not enough to make your high school football coach forget the confederacy existed, we dont no what is.
- Like the men they’d be replacing, no apprentice winners are locals.
- During Mardi Gras, brolane students and bourbon tourists love to climb on and desecrate the site of lee’s statue. In they’re wake, they leave behind pre-katrina levels of trash various bodily excrements. We propose to replace Lee with Bill Rancic (season 1 winner), because if there’s anything that can unite liberal New Orleans locals with liberal New Orleans transplants, its shitting on trump supporters.
Anyway, we hope you heed are advice Mr. Landroo. As you can see, replacing the confederate monuments with statues of apprentice winners is the best way to appease locals across the political spectrum. Once you do that, FINISH CONSTRUCTION ON TULANE AVE!!