All the loyal readers of this site know that we at LTTFL aren’t exactly huge fans of overgroomed chads and jakes from westchester infiltrating are beloved live music venues. But this weekend marks the graduation and departure of another group of pastel-wearing normies, and we’d be re-miss if we didn’t mark the occashun with a warm congrats.
Dear college class of 2017:
congratulations on four years spent walking up and down broadway with triple gin and tonics. we admire all your hard work. We first met this class of grads during the summer between there junior and senior years. You were excited because this summer was your time to “really explore New Orleans and get out of the Tulane bubble” because you were only taking one mindless management class instead of 5 and your parents agreed to cover your $1000 a month rent so you could “focus on school.” When you bummed a cigarette from us outside of DJ Soul Sister, you told us how events like that “really showed how much more there is to NOLA outside of Tulane.”
We thought their might be hope for you, and perhaps with time you could come to pass as a true local who is in touch with the rythms of they’re city. But when you kept showing up on St. Claude wearing the same pink Mossimo button down with some frightened looking brunette in a tube dress tripping over her heels, we knew you were passed the point of no return. When we saw you at Blue Nile with your back turned to Kermit Ruffins screaming to your friend about how you banged some delta delta delta in her roommates bed, we had to Defend New Orleans.
So, when we say “congrats” to you, what we really mean is GOOD RIDDANCE. GOOD RIDDANCE to you who tried to grind with Nigel Halls side piece at the People’s Health Jazz Market. GOOD RIDDANCE to you who ate three xanax bars and fell off of your blow-up beer pong table at Bayou Boogaloo. GOOD RIDDANCE to you who told Dan Stein his restaurant is “pretty much just as good” as your deli in Great Neck. Had you stayed in your uptown lane, we could have coexisted peacefully, but the moment you set foot below Louisiana Ave, you started poisoning are local turf with your douchery.
Your departure is bittersweet for us at LTTFL: sweet because you are going back to tenafly to work for your daddies real estate firm, but bitter because in your wake, a new class of vanilla faced accountant-bros will start bringing their quarter gram baggies of coke and vodka-soda drinking girlfriends to are historic local venues and bars. So if your younger counterparts ask you for any advice on your way back to cape cod, please, for us, tell them to do what everyone wishes you had done: STAY IN YOUR LANE!!